Get Ready to Navigate the Wormhole

I’m usually not as effected by the full moon, but last night’s was different.  I don’t run my life in comparison to the movement of planets and nodes, although I have some great friends who do just that and, at times, I rely on them for their insights of my own astrological movements. Yesterday, was not only a full moon, but a lunar eclipse, a strong one.  So strong, that I went online in search of what’s up within the bigger cosmological picture.  This is what I found: “Because of the geometrical angles that are currently in place, we are going to experience two Lunar Eclipses with a Solar Eclipse sandwiched in between them.  This three-in-a-row configuration is what is known as a wormhole.  Just like in a sci-fi special effect (or for real, in the world of quantum physics) a wormhole picks you up in one place in time/space and transports you clear across time/space into brand new territory.  Such is the lay of the land from this April 25^th through June 7^th.  The more aware you are of where you want to go, the more likely you will be to land somewhere you will be happy to be.

A lot has gone on in the past few months.  There have been a number of Fingers of God; dozens of them, in fact.  These are moments where the fork in the road has been undeniable and unavoidable.  Habits and patterns are being dropped like layers of clothes that suddenly become obsolete as things heat up.  I trust that you have been facing these moments of choice by taking the higher road to the best of your ability to do so.”

Great…a wormhole.  It makes perfect sense.  And, there’s more… “If you thought that the phenomenon of thought manifesting instantly into form has been increasing of late, get ready for more, because a wormhole multiplies that process abundantly!” (Dr. Michael Lenox,http://featheredpipe.com/first-eclipse/ )

Of course.  But, what if my thoughts are all over the place? It’s time to let the truth rise to the surface.  It’s time to slow down, pay attention and get clear.

Bradley Creek, Wilmington, NC

So, I put the computer away and sat on the sofa looking at the super-high creek through the glassed windows of my little hide-away. The water was full and pregnant, reflecting the light of the moon.  I sat and watched my mind’s visions.  One path continues to take over in my daydreams.  It’s a surprising one. Truth is rising to the surface.  I imagine it is time to gain greater clarity, and put into action the bigger vision.  No time like the present than to masterfully navigate the movement through the wormhole.

The New Paradigm

par·a·digm

noun \ˈper-ə-ˌdīm, ˈpa-rə- also -ˌdim\

1

: example, pattern; especially   : an outstandingly clear or typical example or archetype

2

: a philosophical and theoretical framework of a scientific school or discipline within which theories, laws, and generalizations and the experiments performed in support of them are formulated; broadly   : a philosophical or theoretical framework of any kind

_______________________

Just before my return to Central America for the solstice of 2012, my friend and teaching colleague, Rebecca Kovacs, calls me in an excited state.

“OK, I’m ready to do this.  Here’s the name:  The Yoga Paradigm.  What do you think?”

“Perfect!”

I had been waiting for the next steps to show themselves.  I felt the old chapter coming to its close: the one where I had been working too hard with ego coming through the door first.  I was ready to retire my old ways of doing and forcing and struggling.

My entrance into the world of business happened when I was a naïve 20-something year old.  At the time, I envisioned a collaborative business partnership where we would share the successes and joys equally and create something that would sustain itself until I was ready for retirement.

Retirement came early for me.  Before the ink was signed on the lease, the partnership that I envisioned was already crumbling around me.  Although I had 3 very capable business partners in the mix, I found myself sitting alone at the negotiation table solely signing my life and my assets as collateral on the lease for our new Yoga studio.  Already, there was a growing pit of dis-ease that I tried to sweep away, because my mind wanted to believe in the support of my partners.

No matter which way we tried to spin it, that gnawing sensation at the signing of the lease was more telling than I initially realized.  In 2010, I finally came to terms that I could not revive the life of a business that was built on such a shoddy foundation.

The next 3 years, I spent in a paradigm that was exhausting, but very familiar.  I just did it alone.  Only 2 weeks after closing the doors of my Yoga studio in Wilmington, NC, I found myself teaching my first 21 day Yoga Teacher Training Immersion.  My years of non-stop work prepped me for the intense teaching schedule, and although it was an exhausting process, it was at the same time exhilarating and a pivotal time of growth in my life.

I finally felt the opportunities to put my practice into reality in a more radical way.  I felt like I was beginning again.

Until that paradigm suddenly no longer fit.

I began yearning collaboration and partnership.  But, I also had in my memory what it was like to be in a partnership that was unsupportive, and I knew that I needed to choose in a more discerning way this time.

Then, I met Rebecca.  At the ice cream shop.

She was one of the new managers of the Costa Rica Yoga Spa.  I had already been cc’ing all of my emails her way (poor girl), and I just knew her as followyourdharma at yahoo.  I pull up to Robin’s Ice Cream in Playa Guiones to say hello to a friend.  He introduced me to Rebecca, and immediately I recognized her.

It took no time for us to realize that we had already been communicating, and she offered to buy me an ice cream and sit for a chat.  Of course, I love her already.

A couple of months later, I return to the Yoga Spa for my next 21 day Yoga Immersion.  Rebecca was there as support staff.  She slipped into many of the early morning classes and breathwork sessions.  Just watching her practice was an inspiration, not only to me, but the students around her.

In the last days of the training, we met in the kitchen on a break.  I remember it vividly.

Rebecca is lying on the bench, hand on her head.  It had been an intense month.  The Yoga Spa is still in the organization phase, which is usually not the forte of a yogi.

“What are you doing here in this role?”  I ask compassionately, trying to understand Rebecca’s perspective.  “You should be teaching.”  I had never actually seen Rebecca teach, but I could tell by her practice and her presence that she could knock it out of the park when she wanted.

“I don’t know,”  was her response.

So, I threw it out there, “you could teach with me.  I am looking to collaborate again.  I’m tired of working solo.”

That March’s conversation were the seeds that finally sprouted in the summer.

Rebecca ventured to Guatemala to teach with me at Lake Atitlan in August of 2012, just before my 39th birthday.  It was the best birthday gift:  I was able to finally exhale and surrender to a greater support.

A little over 3 months later, The Yoga Paradigm was born.  It was the marriage of her practice and mine.  The paradigm is the merging of two traditions and journeys.  Our collaboration’s inception prompted us to explore the concept of our sadhana, practice, and philosophy, and lay the path for a new direction into the new life cycle that we are all navigating ahead:  the path to the center of the heart.

We spent time envisioning, creating, designing, theorizing, and finally, in March of 2013, our first offering of The Yoga Paradigm was presented in our home space at the Costa Rica Yoga Spa.  As Rebecca and I taught together and spent every waking hour in practice, conversation, in presence and support of one another, I knew something was different.

I finally understood what it felt like to be in a relationship with an equal.  I felt the support of knowing that “someone had my back.”  The turning point was for me was the discussion of the heart chakra, and the description of authentic relationship.

As we shared within the group circle that day, my heart recognized that I had been operating from a very old, dysfunctional paradigm of relationship for the majority of my life.  I was ready to surrender and create space for something new.

In these early, defining moments of our offering, I understand now the relationships of my previous life. I have a greater appreciation, knowing that contrast breeds clarity.  And, sometimes, we have to understand what we don’t want in order to understand what we do want and have the capability to create and sustain.

I now know what it feels like to be in right relationship, and I am ready to strengthen all of my relationships from this foundation.  Buckle up for the next adventure!

Join Rebecca and me for an immersion into The Yoga of Authentic Relationships.  Our next Yoga Teacher Training will be held at the Costa Rica Yoga Spa in Nosara, Costa Rica, June 29-July 20, 2013. 

If you can’t make it for the full 21 days, we are happy to support you for a portion of that time.  The space and curriculum allows for your own unique adventure, so even if you have no intentions of becoming a Yoga teacher, join us if you just want to be a better human…that’s enough!

Is the Grass Ever Greener?

It’s always interesting to return “home”.  Wilmington, NC was my home for the duration of my adult life so far.  It was the place that I chose once I visited in the summer following gross anatomy.  My friends and I made it through 6 weeks of summer session gross anatomy, studying night and day and practically living in the cadaver lab at ECU’s Medical School.  To celebrate our accomplishment, we made the 2 hour drive for a weekend vacation.  Wrightsville Beach by day and downtown Wilmington by night.  I immediately fell in love with the quirky town that sits between the intercoastal waterway and the Cape Fear River.  As we drove over the bridge, heading back to Greenville, I knew in my heart that I would live in Wilmington one day.

photo by LeeAnn Fuller Photography

The second time I returned was a year and a half later, to look for an apartment.  I knew no one, and spent most of the second trip driving around lost and in circles (these were the days before GPS and cell phones).  All I knew was that this place was calling me.  I needed to be in Wilmington.

Because I always have a plan, I started working as a waitress at the Outback Steakhouse in Charlotte, knowing that there was one in Wilmington, so I could arrive with a job already in place.  Most of my classmates from OT school already had sweet jobs lined up, but I was in slow mode.  I didn’t want the “real job” yet.

The Outback gig lasted only a couple months, when I officially got fed up and seriously considered what I was doing.  I decided that for me to be happy, it was time for the real job.  The real job was working in a nursing home from 7am-3pm, M-F.  It felt like the beginning of the end.  I lasted there only a few short months.  I was bored out of my mind.  My nourishment consisted of crap from the vending machines and typically, my first 20 ounce Coke was finished by 10am every day.  I would fall asleep doing chart reviews, and dreamt of my exit from this “real” job one day.  The grass had to be greener.

And it was for a little bit.  I found a job at another nursing home, closer to my house with a larger rehab department with co-workers my age.  I was happy again, until I wasn’t.  When I found myself crying in the bathroom almost daily, I realized it was time to find the next place.

I knew that once I landed my dream job at the local hospital, this would really be it.  I had freedom, autonomy, and worked in acute care, which meant I was always on the go.  But of course, the story continued.  At some point, I felt that same wave of desire for greener pastures.

Luckily, this was the same time that I began practicing yoga, so my response to the gnawing pit of desire in my core could be easily pacified with deeper breaths, and slowing down to refocus my mind on gratitude.

That worked for awhile.

Until it no longer worked.

Fast forward a decade…I was at it again.

Perched from my vantage point in my life’s comfort zone, I had everything that I desired in my years prior: a successful business, a super cute house, lots of friends and my health.    But, more and more, I began to notice that the life I was living, I was very resentful of.  I found myself becoming jealous of the other teachers floating in and out of Wilmington from far off places like Thailand, India and Bali.  Eventually, my desire for greener pastures won, and I went searching for this new and better life in Costa Rica.

photo by Ray Moss

Sometimes, the grass is greener in Costa Rica, literally greener, because of the sheer nature of the land and the country.  But, sometimes, the greenness is covered so deeply in dust, you don’t notice the brilliance.  I am starting to believe that it is more about perspective…what we choose to see.

 

Many times, I have been lured back to Costa Rica beginning with my 1999 introduction to her beautiful land, people and culture.  And, once again, I thought, “When I move to Costa Rica, life will be perfect.”  When I finally arrived, looking through the lens of an ex-pat resident (not to be confused with a legal resident) of Costa Rica, it didn’t take me long to remember that wherever I go… there I am.

At times recently, I have started to be unable to see past the dust and the heat, but this time I know better than to try to run towards greener pastures.  I know enough now to let my resentments and struggles be my reminder to pause, take a deep breath and surrender to the full and present moment.

And then, I realize that I have had a huge hand in creating just the life that I have been so frustrated by.  And the frustration usually turns to laughter at this point.

Enjoy every sweet challenge along the way.  It’s what gives life its adventure!

 

 

The Transition

Today is the day.  I’m finally letting go of my old paradigm.  Seaside Yoga.  Since 2001, I have identified myself through my relationship to my business.  It was my first baby.  It was my first marriage.  It was my Master’s in Business, my Doctorate in Philosophy.  It was everything.  Until today.  Today is the day that we complete the last module of Yoga Teacher Training.

In my 20s, I identified with my accomplishments.  In my naïve state, I thought that I would own 1/2 million dollars in real estate by the time I was 30.  Little did I realize that the banks would actually own the real estate, and I would be paying a hefty price tag of interest each month.

I identified with my business and the successes.  I identified deeply with my failures, which took me into a debilitating depression when my first business partner left the scene.  Both sides of the identification created suffering.  I can now see the strong hold that the mind has on the psyche.

And now, as I approach my 40s, with no house, no car, no real estate to manage, I feel more freedom and happiness than I ever have.  Today symbolizes so much as I close the Seaside Yoga chapter of my life and prepare to step more fully into a new paradigm.

I realize now that I am just beginning.  It is an exciting juncture to begin again with no expectations.  At 28, opening my business, I was full of expectations.  I expected the people I worked with to have the same work ethic as me.  I expected my business to be my retirement plan.  I expected to stay in Wilmington, NC for the rest of my life and live happily ever after.

No expectations, no plan…only trust in following my heart towards then next best step.  I finally know what that feels like.

Join me on the next steps of my adventure…who knows where that will lead any of us!

http://www.theyogaparadigm.com

#theashleyludadventure on www.instagram.com

Skeletons in the Closet

Moving Skeletons in the Closet

It has been an adventure since I jammed my storage unit with all of my stuff, then packed even more stuff into my Honda and began driving West to California in May of 2011.  My first stop was Charlotte, NC, the place of my birth.  I packed the CRV with all of the things that I thought I would need for the roadtrip with the undetermined end.  It was not clear to me at the time what I was doing in California, but it becomes clearer in each moment on this side of that journey.

As I approach the 2 year anniversary of my travel west, I find myself full circle once again.  A few days ago, I closed the doors of my storage unit that has turned into my big walk in closet full of comfort and chaos, books and skeletons, shoes and coats and the furniture that my heart cannot part with yet.  I realize again that I am on the journey once more.

I have always been a seeker, walking and sometimes running in the direction of my heart’s yearning.  I understand now that it is an unconventional existence, especially as I return to my roots and those who have known me through the decades of my steps.

I sat on the floor of Allison’s sister’s apartment as we gathered for her weekly “sister’s night” in Charlotte, NC.  I was often times considered the 5th Reavis because of my presence in the household during our years in junior and senior high school.  When I got my first car and driver’s license, I made my first trip to from my house to hers, the whole time white-knucking the steering wheel, terrified to turn left.  Fourty-five minutes later, I arrived and let out my breath because I had reached my destination.

In some ways, I am at it again.  My mind and spirit are not as terrified any longer, because I know that the turns along the way lead me to the most perfect place in the moment.

I usually forget that mine is an unconventional existence, until I come back home and sit around the living room with friends and family who want to hear all about my life’s adventures.  As I share my stories, I become more grateful for the lessons and the realizations that have come from my choices.

I am at the starting point of the circle again and I find it funny that being in Charlotte prompts the stirring in me.  Riding down Central Avenue, and circling the neighborhoods of my childhood bus route has reminded me of the beauty of feeling at home, although this time, that feeling is a bit more illusive.

After that 2011 road trip took me to California and back, I put the rest of my unneccessary things in the storage unit, sold the CRV and became technically homeless for 19 months until I dropped a few bags into my new “home” in Costa Rica in November.  As soon as I landed, I immediately realized that it’s time to come out of hiding in the jungle, and plant my roots again.

It takes me awhile to move into the space of the new reality.  Before I sold my house in Wilmington where I planted deep roots for 8 years, I stuck a For Sale by Owner sign in my front yard and secured a tiny storage unit.  It became somewhat of a meditation to create my space of movement as I consciously placed 4 boxes in the cold, metal building to start my process.  My dad thought I was jumping the gun and wasting money by doing this.  I knew myself better.  Little by little, I would extract myself from the home on Wisteria Lane.

Three years later, I am still extracting myself from that life.  Just to move the energy in the right direction, I committed to a new phone and a new phone number in the states.  One with a California area code.  It’s time to clear the skeletons from the closet, emerge from the jungle and buckle up for a new adventure!

Past. Present. Future.

As the sun sets behind the mountains that frame the lake, it casts a golden outline on the passing clouds.  The birds know it’s time to settle in for the day, and skim the water’s surface in their usual flock, heading east.

I often wonder how I have become so blessed.  Is it my karma from this life, or past?  I found myself in places today that I have never been before.  I had not been trying to get there, or anywhere for that matter.  I was riding the waves, dancing to the music and playing with the little girl playing yoga, like she did on the wooden floor of the dance studio at Miss Donna’s School of Dance. I first began a practice there before I realized it was the start of a never ending journey that would lead me here to this moment at Lake Atitlan, Guatemala.  It was as if no time had passed as I put my knees against my ears in Karnapidasana like I did many times as a curious 8 year old.

I wonder where I will be in another 3 decades from now, and what seeds will take root and bear fruit and flowers.  I  wonder to myself what the fruit will taste like and how the flowers will smell and who will be there holding my hand as I plant new seeds.

And then I drop back into the present and just enjoy the sunset.

The Message of the Snake

I saw it coming, although I didn’t quite know what “it” was.  My friend Linda, a shamanic bodyworker, gifts me an egg clearing session for my birthday in August of 2012 at Lake Atitlan, Guatemala.  I trek to a little town a village away from where I was staying at Villa Sumaya.  Linda is like a spiritual mother to me.  We met on my first trip to the lake, just after I packed up all of my belongings and left North Carolina.  Each time I return to the Lake, a highlight of my time is catching up with her.

She learned this energy clearing practice from the Jaguar lineage whom she trained with in Mexico.  I don’t ask too many questions of her craft, I just let her do her work, and trust her completely.

After she rubs the chicken egg from my crown to my feet to absorb the energy that I am carrying, she cracks the yolk into a glass of water.  Before she could even turn around and begin reading the message in the egg, I notice a black granular spot inside of the yolk.

“What is that black thing in there?”  I wonder out loud.

She turns around from what she is doing and gasps.

“Oh, that is bad.” Linda blurts out of her mouth, not realizing that the statement that she just made freaks me out.

“Shit, do I have cancer or something?”

“No, but it is not good,” Linda continues.  “Who is out to get you?”

“I’m not aware of anyone.”

“Well, it’s in the egg.  You have a hex.”  She is completely serious.

To most people, this information would sound a little woo woo, but to me, I take her caution seriously.  Every bit of guidance she has offered me before this has been spot on, and she has no need to sugar coat the information that is coming through the reading.  After all, I am the one who asked for it.

“What about this boyfriend of yours?”  Linda probes.  “Can you trust him?”

My mouth was saying yes, but my heart wasn’t so sure.  I wanted to trust.  In fact, I was working hard on trust, but it seems as though I may have been attempting to trust the wrong person.

“Well, at least it’s out of you.  Whoever wanted to harm you will have a harder job doing it now.”

I guess that makes me feel a little better.

A few days later, I am on the plane heading back to Costa Rica.  Marvin was waiting for me as I get off the shuttle, and that night, we drive the golf cart to dinner at the pizza restaurant in Playa Pelada.  On our way home, I feel something behind us.  I glance back into the thick blackness of the jungle night and can only see a headlight of a motorcycle blinding me.  I have a bad feeling about this light.

We slow down to let the bike pass us, and it’s her:  Marvin’s ex-espousa.  Her evil eyes make contact with mine.  “I hope you had a good dinner,” she says sarcastically, and drives off in front of us down the road.

As we pull into the gates on the property of the Yoga Spa, we have the feeling that she is waiting, so we pass the house, and head up the hill to the hotel.  We are right; she was waiting, and not happy.

After an hour, we head back to the house to find glass shards slashed and thrown on the bed and floor and my red dress in the closet torn to shreds.

I wasn’t scared.  I was pissed.

“Marvin, it’s time to do something.  She can’t get away with this.”  I convince him to finally file a restraining order.  Of course, since this is the jungle of Costa Rica, it takes a little extra juice to get anything accomplished.  After a day’s travel to the nearest town of Nicoya, we arrive home by sunset to settle in and finally relax.

I leave Marvin swinging in the hammock on the front porch while I go to the kitchen for a beer.  He has been reading Light on Yoga by Iyengar, and is trying out the eye and ear wrapping techniques, so barely hears me as I let out a scream when the snake falls from the top of the refrigerator onto my foot.

I jump back, not realizing what it is at first, until I see a beautiful snake curled up in front of me where my left foot was just a moment ago.

He must have caught wind of the commotion in the kitchen, because, before I knew it, he was out of the hammock, rushing into see me standing in front of the snake, wondering what just happened.

“It just fell from the top of the fridge, and landed on me,” I report.  “What should we do?”

Marvin leaves the decision to me.  “We can kill it, or send it away.”

Well, it’s a no brainer, we tell it to leave.

Marvin puts his rubber boots on and finds a broomstick.

“Thank you for coming,” he repeats over and over again, as the snake begins her journey out the back door.

I grab my iPad, that is close by and begin filming the scene.

“So, is it poisonous?”  I ask as the camera is rolling.

“About an hour,” Marvin estimates.

“An hour for what?”

“If it bites, it will kill you in an hour.”

Of course it will.  Somewhere in the corner of my mind, I have a feeling that this is the hex Linda was speaking of.

We usher the snake off into the jungle behind the wood house, and I still have no fear that she will return.  The next time I see her is the day I return in November, after the rainy season.  I let go of my relationship with Marvin months before.  Irena got what she wanted, Marvin returned back to her side, and the day I moved into the wood house, I see the snake slither up the hill towards the empty lot just yards from my back door.  She still does not scare me.  She is there to remind me of something bigger that lies ahead.

It is now 6 months since I last saw Linda, and I am back in Guatemala, sitting beside magical Lake Atitlan, envisioning the next step ahead of me.  I look up from my journal to see Linda walking towards me on the wooden path that circles Villa Sumaya, and greet her with my hands waving wildly.

I take my iPad, show her the picture of the snake, and fill in the pieces of the story that left off with the black speck in the egg yolk.

“I knew that something was coming for you.”  Linda calmly remarks.  “It’s a good thing we cleared you before you went back into that mess.”

“I know, now what?”

“Your time in Costa is coming to a close.”

“Yes, I guess it is. It’s time to start dreaming again.”

“At least you are in a good place to do just that,” she reminds me.

She appears again in my heart meditation today.  She is what cracked me open.  I don’t fear her presence.  If I do and resist her, she will bite and bite hard.  All I can do is ask for the lessons and open to the bigger mystery that waits for me on the other side.

The Snake

From the depths of the heart’s chamber

the snake appears.

Well before the heart cracks open

she slithers on

beaconing the spirit to follow her into the abyss of the mystery.

And then it happens.

The heart cracks open like an earthquake

Shaking the spirit of the teenager into the reality of the woman

who didn’t know any better.

She knows now

that there is no returning to what once was.

1.23.13 Lake Atitlan, Guatemala