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A student who has been keeping up with my blog recently offered me his insight.
“Your blogging feels a bit schizophrenic.”
I knew what he meant without taking it as an insult. This particular student and I often joke about our individual, undiagnosed personality disorders. On any given day, sitting long enough with a copy of my DSMR IV (the mental health diagnosis bible) close at hand, I could loosly diagnose myself into a personality disorder, a manic episode, obsessive compulsive disorder, you name it.
All kidding aside, I do feel my mind going a few hundred miles a minute. I paused last week. I stepped away from writing for a bit. I examined my original intention for beginning this blog. Wishing to support my students’ yoga experiences with a new modality of study, I began this blog with hopes to link the technical teachings of Anusara yoga with the tantric philosophy that I am studying and attempting to integrate into my life. This is not exactly what has happened so far.
Through this forum, I have uncovered some pieces of myself that have been hidden for quite some time. I am realizing that this blog has been more for me and less for my students. I am unearthing my next path, step by step. Surprisingly, there has been a big theme for me with my adoption, and I have realized that I now need more answers to some of my earlier blank spots. Through this writing, I have been able to reconnect with my brother, and heal some of our past hurts.
Just recently, I began a writer’s workshop. I liken this to a new yoga student stepping foot into a yoga studio for the first time. As I continue to write for other people to have a closer look into my soul, I also realize that this is a chance for me to look closer inside of myself. It is a daunting task; at times frightening, at other times hilariously entertaining. Each time I write, I find myself questioning my own mind, my own experience, and even my ability to be a writer. Even still, I forge ahead.
So, faithful readers, students and friends…stay tuned! I will continue to journal my contemplations of life as they arrive. I am also formatting a new blog which will be purely dedicated to the practice of Anusara yoga. You can find me at www.hugthemidline.wordpress.com. It is a work in progress, and the beautiful weather and my needy yard has kept me from sitting behind my laptop for a few days.
I appreciate all comments, either verbal or virtual. They help me to see my words, thoughts, themes and contemplations a bit more clearly.
The smell of cilantro and basil pouring through a springtime kitchen,
The taste of German chocolate,
The sights of purple lizzies on my table and purple petunias through the back window,
The touch of my animals, snuggling up to say good morning,
The sounds of nature greeting the new day,
The feeling of security, support and shelter.
The choices of freedom and life.
I am grateful.
Keeping up with the reports of such deep destruction, trauma and despair in Myanmar and China, I began to feel guilty for having such a safe, comfortable existence. Actually, I have felt more guilt in the complaints that I have about my life. The list is too trivial to even discuss or think of it in light of the suffering that continues in the world today.
The philosophy of the tantra teaches me to see the hand of grace in everything. It is so hard to understand that even destruction of this magnitude holds life and learning within the darkness. I just keep trusting. So, today, I sit and offer light to those in need, and offer support to those I am able to touch on a daily basis. This is my yoga today.
This contemplation came from my friend, Krystyn, in Colorado. I’m happy to share her story with all of you (with her permission, of course!)
I set out yesterday morning for my usual morning walk with more excitement than usual. I’ve been asking for an animal totem for guidance and today I really felt I was going to have an incredible encounter. And boy did I have a royal flush of an experience. My morning walk consists of a 2 mile walk to the mindful bump, technically it’s a dip where the overflow from Lake Bauer flows to a creek and then joins with the Mancos River
My first encounter was standing in the middle of the road as if to block my passage, a very bold statement for this notoriously shy creature. He was in the middle of the dip and starring directly at me. As almost immediate as I see him standing there I am whisked to my thoughts of Wilmington and feelings of love for the friends that reside there. There are over 43 different species of Heron, ranging in colors from white, to green, and the illustrious Great Blue. An incredibly solitary creature the Heron only gathers with others at night and during breeding season. An excellent huntsman the Heron spends most of its waking time stalking the shallows for small aquatic life. The Heron reminds us to be still patient and wade slowly in the shallows never getting too deep. I can’t help but identify with his solitary nature. Our moment is interrupted by one of the many four legged friends accompanying me on my walk. As I watch him fly away his neck bent to an S shape keeping his throat close to his heart I am reminded to speak my truth through the filter of my own heart.
The heron surprisingly joined another perched in a nearby budding Cottonwood. I pause briefly recognizing the pair but my attention is immediately drawn to a neighboring tree where the pair of Bald Eagles sit. Again I am reminded of patience as I watch these two joined in the art of raising young wait motionless. Eagle medicine represents the power of Great Spirit and connection to the Divine. It reminds us to soar above and look beyond what we see possible. I’ve been watching this pair for a few weeks now. I saw one earlier this week that had caught a fish too big to carry and was struggling to get back to her nest and feed the babies. Recognizing her triumph I thought maybe too much abundance is too much. Beaming with gratitude for these four birds sitting above the land perched, ready, waiting, I exhale and turn to see an otter swimming past.
Divine in nature the incredibly feminine Otter reminds us to be joyful, open, and trusting. She is known to play with her young and is associated with abundance and magic. The message I take from her today is to be conscious of deficit thinking. Sometimes it shows up as jealousy, coveting, or wanting to hold on too tight. If we are to truly love its unconditional love without object. Divine love means tapping into the deep core of universal love that surrounds us all. I watch her swim diving to the bottom time countless times each time retrieving some crunchy bottom dweller. She moves gracefully knowing there’s enough for us all. She dips out of sight and I continue on my walk.
I’ve been spinning with contemplation since this mystical morning. I went back to my secret spot today to contemplate these messages. I definitely get patience, magical, and connection. I affirm my intentions and recognize that I need to be fully here and focus on what I am creating. All is possible!
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Krystyn, thank you for your story and reminders to ask for support from many sources! As always, you are an amazing inspiration to me! Keep on manifesting all of your dreams. Love, Ash
Each day, I have been heading to the creek at sunset to see if I can catch sight of the swans and their baby cygnets. Every evening, they greet me at the marsh edge. Last night, sitting on the dock, the larger of the two swan hissed and almost stood on the surface of the water, naturally, protecting the babies from potential danger from the interlopers that came bearing gifts of bread.
Nature is at play in every moment. I have slowed way down to actually notice the unfolding of nature in this beautiful new season. I have witnessed the birth of the next generation, watching the baby signets begin to venture out just a little further than just a few days ago. Feeding the daddy swan the other day, I was close enough to notice a grasshopper taking a ride on his back wing, waiting patiently for him to finish his pause at the dock to venture down the creek for an evening stroll.
In years past, I was too busy to watch the spring unfold. Now, I find myself wanting to do nothing but be with nature and be her student.
My new animal teacher, of course, is the swan. As I was opening my recent purchases of old, used books from the Friends of the Library book sale, I surprisingly came across a tattered and worn book, Swan Song. I don’t exactly know why I chose to place that book in my bag. Most of my other books had to do with something that I have interest in reading, such as, The Ascent of Man, and World’s Best Scriptures.
This book had a different feel to it. The book itself has its own history. The card, still present on the back inside cover shows the long-ago route that it took between library and readers’ homes, dating back to 1940. Its scent reminds me of the smell of the library that my Nana and I used to frequent down the street from her house on Abington Ave in Rosalyn, PA. I first learned the love of reading when I went to live with Nana and Pop-Pop for some weeks during my summer vacation. We would walk down the block to the small library and I would check out Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys mysteries. Nana was not necessarily the maternal nurturing type, but she did nurture the academic in me.
I always wonder if I was more influenced by nature or nurture. Being adopted, and not knowing much about my biological family, the only thing I can do is to unfold stories through creative imagination of the characteristics of my birth family, and how I am who I am because of the genetics that were accidentally passed my way.
I was given “non-identifying information” that was handed to my parents when they first took me home at the age of 8 weeks. So, my story begins with the fragments of pre-life escorting me into the new family who agreed to love me and nurture me for my the remainder of my life. My birth mom had a passion for creative writing. My paternal grandfather was a highly educated theologian. Perhaps my nature has been nurtured all along.
The siddhas, sages and scriptures of spiritual philosophy speak of dharma…our life’s purpose. It is proposed that our spirit chooses the manifestation of this lifetime…in essence, we choose the family to be born of, and the life that will support our spiritual realization in this incarnation. As I venture each step into my dharma, I do know that I have chosen the right path. My life is a mystery, unfolding forwards and backwards at each stage.
As spring continues to show her mysteries, this time, I am enjoying the gifts of the stillness, the contemplation, the artful way that the divine spirit springs forth, granting me insight into my nature and the nature that surrounds me. No longer does it have to be one aspect against another. Instead, within nature, we see the nurture, like the swan stretching her wings and protecting her young.
To be reminded of the lessons of grace of the swan, I placed a crystal swan on my altar. Yesterday, it was bolstered by my new old book, Swan Song. It was sitting just high enough so that the afternoon sunlight poured through the window above my altar. As it did, the sunlight created tiny rainbows that drenched my home, reminding me of the beautiful spectrum that comes when I take time to slow down and see what is within.
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In metaphysics and according to Animal Speaks by Ted Andrews, the swan teaches us to awaken to our inner beauty and power which is love. As you realize your true self, you acquire the ability to bring your spiritual desires to physical form through manifestation. It also teaches you how to see the inner beauty within yourself and others regardless of outer appearances. When we are capable of this we become a magnet to others. Swan energy helps us blend the spiritual and physical to create all that our heart desires. It teaches the mysteries of song, poetry, music & art for these touch the child and beauty within.
