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In the calm
before the storm
the rains sat in my throat
like a dense grey cloud that
would not,
could not
Rain.
The call came.
Like shocking thunder
that trembled my
center
on a sunny
Cloudless day.
Lightning hits
the Heart
and says
No more!
Like this.
Wake Up!
to a new reality.
And so
we do.
Within this
Death,
Life is awaiting.
She is here
Ready to be born.
…Dedicated to my brother, Douglas Gilson Ludman… to his rebirth and the birth of his new little girl. I love you!
I received an e-mail from my study group member, who saw a twitter posting from someone who recently studied with Paul Muller-Ortega at his Abiding in the Kitcharee Mudra retreat (how is this for being cyber-linked to Grace?) “Often our first reaction to sudden insight is despair for a new reality we do not yet know or live.” I no longer wish to live in despair, but have come to see this unfolding mystery as awe-inspiring.
I spoke with a friend awhile ago about the twists and turns of life. We were speaking of the act of taking life, such as a suicide, and how desperate something like that seems. She matter of factly said to me, “You could never do that, because you are always too inquisitive of what’s around the corner.” I would have to agree. There is a fine balance of looking forward, acknowledging what is behind and staying present. These days, I am attempting to stay as present as possible. Presence is my practice.
It is challenging to respond to the questions, “Where will you go?” when people ask once I mention that I am in the process of selling my house. My response is “I have no idea. The answer will surface in the right time.” I usually get very perplexed looks, or they think I am hiding something from them.
I have learned, instead, to just be as present as possible, and open to the path that has been shown. This is my prayer, daily.
I have finally made the decision (again) to sell my house. It only took me about 8 months to sit with the decision to realize that it was the right one. A huge lesson that I am keeping from the past 7 year cycle of my life is to listen to my inner voice when it screams to me.
Last November, during a session with a spiritual healer, I was faced with the contemplation of letting go of my house in order to make space to move forward in my life. I had every excuse in the book as to why I could NOT sell my home. My dog, Chelsea, is buried in the backyard under a crepe myrtle tree. I have had so many plans to add on to the house and create a healing oasis on the land. I was going to turn the barn in the back into my own private yoga studio and meditation room. I was going to…. I was going to …. going to…going to…
So, here I sit right now, 7 years beyond the moment that my house found me when I needed a home. Grace stepped in and intervened when I was in a mind spin of a different sort. I was only a few months away from opening my yoga studio. I already owned a condo, but had to leave when it became overrun with rowdy college students, so instead, I became a landlord, and found a place to rent with my best friend. As my year’s lease on the apartment came to a close, (along with the friendship), my little cottage on Wisteria Lane came to me, as if by magic.
I was having lunch with my ex-boyfriend, the Realtor, as he begins to tell me of a house I need to check out. I promptly remind him that I am unemployed and not in the market to buy a house. After all, I was about to embark on the biggest undertaking of my life in just a few short months. He pursueded me to take a look, and we pulled into the driveway of the 1,000 square foot house with a meditation pond in the front yard. Before I entered the house, I had an overwhelming sensation that I was about to step into my home.
As we stepped in, I looked past the dog-stained carpet and the navy blue sponge painted walls, and realized that this was my home. There was never a doubt in my mind. As we stepped into each room, Darby (the ex), was not too pleased with what he saw, but I could see nothing but potential. This was my house! When I stepped into the back yard and took a look at the barn, the workshop, and the fire pit, the deal was sealed!
Luckily, I was able to purchase my house when they were literally loaning money to anyone who could walk through the door, although, I wish I could say that my story was so simple. In fact, just 3 days before closing, I realized that I should not have actually been given a loan. There was some little technicality that was prohibiting the closing, (like the fact that I didn’t really have a job or something like that.) Because I had some paperwork in my hand that assured me that I would be given the loan for my house on Wisteria Lane, I did not back down until my mortgage lender came up with a creative way to get me into my house. (Did I mention that I knew that this was my house???)
Now, 7 years later, I know that we have shared all that we can. It is time to move forward. So, now, I must make choices to let go of things that I have been living with for quite a long time. I reached into the cupboard yesterday and pulled out my favorite coffee cup. It is lavendar and has a doughnut shaped handle. I originally bought it for my old roommate (but never gave it to her because I realized that I liked the coffee cup more than I liked her). It has been with me through 7 years of Sunday coffees, afternoon coffees, and tea time when I have tried to get rid of coffee. So, on Saturday morning, as I was taking the mug off of the shelf, I pondered whether or not the mug would make the “KEEP PILE” or go straight to the “YARD SALE PILE”. I sat for a moment while taking in the scene. It was actually quite uncomfortable to hold the mug through the small, round hole of a handle. It didn’t take me long to figure out that I no longer needed my “favorite mug”. I am making space for a new one. One that is easier to handle. I guess I can say the same thing for my life. I know that some things I will keep because they have always been my “favorites”, but at some point, there will be a letting go.
It will be interesting for me to discover what I choose to keep. The question of “What the hell do I do with the Hummels and Madame Alexander Dolls?” might be a contemplation for another day.
This time of year marks my 2 year anniversary in working with the Grandparent’s Support Network. This is an amazing group of Grandmothers who raise their children in the absence of the parents (due to death, incarceration, drugs, inability….). These women are my heroes. Every Thursday night, I head downtown to First Presbyterian Church and enter a crowd of chaos. There are usually about 30-40 kids of all ages doing what kids do best: running, screaming, enjoying time away from the watchful eye of Grandma.
I made my way through the front room, into the back where the Grandmothers were finishing up dinner and preparing for yoga, breathing and meditation. A room full of women sat waiting, ready to have a glimpse of peace at the end of their challenging day. I asked them to honor themselves as they bring their hands to their heart in anjali mudra, the gesture of blessing. I initiated the OM chant, and they each joined in, voices coming together in support of one another. It was the sweetest sound I experienced all week. I sensed the deep connection that they have with each other, through the beauty of that sound.
We opened our eyes, and I honored the group for their support of one another. Their voices joined, just as their paths joined to create this village of strength. In the two years that they have graciously let me into their lives, I have witnessed Yoga in action. They come together as a community and share in each other’s joys and struggles. It humbles me.
At the end of the night, Natalie shared with us her joy in being given full guardianship of her two grandchildren, after her daughter died in childbirth. The judge made the final decision just that day. Natalie was able to “breathe a sigh of relief.” In the grief and despair, there is a light…it takes perspective to see what is being offered in the moment where the two sides of emotion pulse in unison.
_______________
I encourage you to find ways to give of your time and talents to a group or a person who is in need. Watch what comes back to you. This is the flow of life in its fullest cycle…the giving for pure giving sake. Give from the heart and the heart receives. I guarantee it will shift your perspective of life!
On Monday night, I began my year long spiritual study with Paul Muller-Ortega. Leading up to this time, I have felt a spectrum of emotions, knowing that I am preparing to embark on a journey into the unknown. In actuality, I realize that every moment is a journey into the unknown, but often times, we just blindly walk without regard to what we are actually doing. This, instead, is a journey of consciousness.
Paul spoke of refined wisdom. The wisdom of the current of shakti reveals itself systematically as we experience life. I have been contemplating over the past year this concept of time, and how it shows me the lessons that I need to see. Usually, I don’t get it the first go around, and often not the 2nd or 3rd, either. The important lessons in life continue to come in one form or another until we really wake up and refine our wisdom in order to understand what has been given.
As I sat listening to the initial lecture, I propped myself against the wall in my yoga room. It just became my yoga room again, after my roommate (who never moved in) called last week to let me know he was not moving in. I experienced a moment of panic, where my mind began racing…”what am I going to do?” “I was expecting the rent today…” My trigger with money goes pretty deep. At an early age, I was ingrained to believe that we never had enough. My mom’s favorite phrase at one point was, “we are broke.” To a young child, being broke meant that something did not work.
Even as an adult, I have to work hard to release the hold that this concept has over me. Because many of my passions have been in financially uncompensated time, I am again in a place where the reality of my depleted funds challenges me to live creatively (how is that for turning around the concept of being broke?)
My next trigger is “I am alone.” After ending a 5 year relationship at the beginning of the year, and saying goodbye to my 15 year old cocker spaniel, Chelsea, I am staring reality in the face. So, I stuff about 10 pillows in my bed, and borrow (steal) friends dogs to simulate what was there before. It doesn’t really work.
The answer? I need a roommate…2 birds with one stone! I can deal with the money issue and the alone issue all in one swoop! Needless to say, it doesn’t work, either.
So, as I sat in my newly claimed yoga room and listened to Paul’s wisdom. I exhaled and remembered that all is well, I have all that I need. I felt the universal current that runs through each of us. I am not alone, I am very much connected. My current reality is just a refining piece so that I can really learn what I really need to learn this go around.
I am thankful for the space that I have been given to see what I need to see at this point in my life.
Thanks for being on the journey with me!
A student asked me for my personal translation of the Anusara invocation. Here it is…
Om Namah Shivaya Gurave
I deeply honor the presence of the true teacher…the one who resides within me and within all things.
Satchitananda Murtaya
The presence who takes the form of truth, conciousness and complete bliss.
Nischprapanchaya Shantaya
This presence is never absent and full of peace.
Niralambaya Tejase
There is no need for external circumstance for its brilliance to be seen.
______________
http://yogash.wordpress.com/2008/02/12/
“You can’t just chant the chant, you gotta walk the walk” (a very loose Sarah Palin quote).
I have come to have a deeper relationship with the beautiful Anusara Yoga invocation over the past 4 years of chanting, studying and experiencing life and practice from the tantric perspective. In its deepest foundation, these words remind me that I have all that I need to navigate life to its richest, most abundant peak. OM Namah Shivaya helps me to remember that I am my best teacher. In times past, I would seek out others to tell me what it is that I did not want to tell myself. I still do it, but not to the extent that I did previously. Now, I see my teachers and guides as resources who help to confirm and affirm in the moments when I need some support.
The presence of the inner teacher takes the form of truth, conciousness and supreme bliss. I am still wrestling myself with the concept of truth. Many of my passing years have been spent seeking truth: from my family, from myself, from my friends, from the world around me. I am starting to realize that the truth is somewhere between the words on the page, the vision that is before me and the reality of it all. In fact, reality is simply not truth, it’s just reality. (Chew on that for a while.) Conciousness is a little easier to grasp, especially when I move more thoughtfully and slowly. Ananda, or bliss, is my favorite, of course! Satchitanada, implies that the bliss is always a form of the triad. It is present even when we may be at our wit’s end and don’t see an end to the struggle. Bliss is always at the core, it is our work to open our eyes to see it in all forms.
Nischprapanchaya Shantaya is a statement that this presence of peace is always accessible. It is always there…like in the poem, “Footprints”. The author asked God why she walked alone during the hardest time in her life, looking back to the footprints in the sand. God replied that it was in fact, His footprints that appeared while she was being carried. This deep peace has the potential to carry us, if we release our ego and mind’s hold on the situation. When I soften and sit back for a moment, I see the peace is present.
Niralambaya Tejase. The radiance is always there, it does not matter the external circumstance. This is an interesting one to play with. Sometimes, in my most difficult situations, I ask to see the brilliance more clearly. It is there, again, it is our work to look for it and access it always. On my altar in my living room, I have a picture collage from a student that spells out TEJASE. It is my reminder of my intention right now…to always see the brilliance that is within me and that surrounds me.
I woke up yesterday feeling the effects of my newly feng-shui’ed bedroom. My eyes popped open, and I was hopeful and excited that it was election day. Most of my friends and students warned me that I would be waiting for hours at the voting precincts because I had not voted early. My response was always, “I’ll take my chances.” I love the whole feel of election day…the hope, the excitement, getting out and making some choices. And, when do I ever do anything before it’s time to do it?
Election day, I began my morning in the small studio with my first student of the day. To my happy surprise, there on the altar was Ganesh! Ganesh is the elephant-deity, the archetype of New Beginnings and the Remover of Obstacles. I found my white marble Ganesh when I was in Park City, Utah, at an Anusara Yoga Teacher Training. He has been gracing my home and studio altars for the past couple of years, before he went MIA a few months ago. About the same time I “lost” him, my second Ganesh statue (you can never have too many elephant-gods of protection), shattered on the floor, because I was trying to do too many things at once.
I put it all into perspective. One missing Ganesh, the second one missing both arms. What is this all about? Maybe, obstacles can be good things? The obstacles are always there, I have understood that it is my work to see them for what they are. Lately, the bumps in the road have been staring me strongly in the face, as if to tease me like an elementary school kid on the playground. I see even more clearly that in fact, we are making significant choices every day, every moment, not just on election day. I can choose to let the obstacles stop me, or I can choose to navigate life based on the lessons from the hurdles.
Standing in front of my ballot in the elementary school around the corner from my home, I stopped. Before I made my selection for president, I paused and took it all in. I wanted to remember where I stood, how I felt and the significance of this choice for so many. I closed my eyes, said a prayer and voted with a resolve to do my part, not just look to someone else to fix the problems and obstacles that lie before us.
And, with that, I remember that every day is a new beginning. Just by waking up and choosing the direction to drive, the people to greet and the actions to fulfill, we vote for our future, one moment at a time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1keG263sXMg
“It’s coming on the end of August.
Another summer’s promise almost gone.
And thought I heard some wise men say that every dog will have his day,
He never mentioned that these dog days get so long.
I don’t know when I realized the dream was over.
Well, there was no particular hour, no given day.
You know it didn’t go down in flames,
There was no final scene, no frozen frame,
I just watched it slowly fade away.
And I’ve been waiting in the weeds,
Waiting for my time to come around again.
And hope is floating on the breeze,
Carrying my soul high up above the ground.
And I’ve been keeping to myself,
Knowing that the seasons are slowly changing.
Even though you’re with somebody else,
He’ll never love you like I do.
I’ve been biding time with the crows and sparrows,
While peacocks prance and strut up on the stage.
If finding love is just a dance, proximity and chance,
You will excuse me if I skip the masquerade.
And I’ve been waiting in the weeds,
Waiting for the dust to settle down.
Along the back roads, running through the fields,
Lying on the outskirts of this lonesome town.
And I imagine sunlight in your hair, you’re at the county fair,
You’re holding hands and laughing,
And now the Ferris Wheel has stopped,
You’re swinging on the top, suspended there with him,
And he’s the darling of the chic, flavor of the week,
Is melting down your pretty summer dress, baby what a mess you’re making.
I’ve been stumbling though some dark places,
And I’m following the cloud.
I know I’ve fallen out of your good graces
It’s all right now.
And I’ve been waiting in the weeds,
Waiting for the summer rain to fall.
Upon the wild birds, scattering the seeds,
Answering the calling of the
Tide’s Eternal tune, the phases of the moon,
The chambers of the heart, the egg and dart.
A small gray spider spinning in the dark,
In spite of all the times the web is torn apart.
And I’ve been waiting in the weeds,
Waiting for my time to come around again.
And hope is floating on the breeze,
Carrying my soul high up above the ground.
And I’ve been keeping to myself,
Knowing that the seasons are slowly changing.
Even though you’re with somebody else,
He’ll never love you like I do. “
Don Henley and Steuart Smith (from Long Road Home ‘07)
Have you ever had music get in and fill your soul, stay in your mind and becomes a soundtrack for memories? What would my soundtrack be for each year of my life?
Ash’s Life Soundtrack Vol. 18
“Closer, do you want to know a secret, do you promise not to tell…” The elevator doors close at the top floor in White Hall, my dorm at ECU. Kevin would corner me, squeeze me, and nuzzle his song into my ear. I would be so ticklish, the hair would stand on end at the base of my neck. He kept singing, and the song sent tingles down my spine. Every time I hear that Beatles sing, “I’m in love with you, whooohoohoo…” it feels like I am in a time warp. I can close my eyes and actually be in that moment that the hair stands up on the back of my neck again.
Vol. 19
Once Kevin was gone, I occasionally stood drunk in the middle of the dance floor at The Elbow Room, in tears while Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl” served as my soundtrack. Drunk from 10¢ draft beer, I would usually be surrounded by fellow freshmen with fake IDs and no common sense. The overload of Kamikaze shots provided fuel to the already rampant fire. I became proficient in identifying “my song”. By the end of the semester, I could burst into tears by the end of the third note. It didn’t really matter, I stood in the crowd of strangers who could not see through the smoke and beer goggles.
It took me a few years to hear the song without the lump in my throat and drop in my belly. And now, on a good day, scanning through stations on Sat Radio, and stop because I see “VAN MORRISON” on the channel description. On a really good day, I sing along to one of my all-time favorites. ”Hey, where did we go? Days when the rains came? Down in the hollow, playin a new game.” It brings me a smile that come from deep within remembering days long ago.
Vol. 35
Unpacking my office, I sat on the cold tile floor and fell in love all over again. The small cd player that sat under the window in the conference room, began playing a familiar melody of guitar and mandolin, and the smooth voices of the Eagles. I dropped my stack of filing. The music beckoned me to move into a deep, organic flow. The notes and lyrics moved into my spirit and and pierced deep to my core.
And I’ve been waiting in the weeds, waiting for my time to come around again. And hope is floating on the breeze, carrying my soul high up above the ground. And I’ve been keeping to myself, knowing the the seasons are slowly changing.
I bowed, curled in and pulsed out. My spine moved as if it were playing hide and seek with the melody. The harmony became my partner in my soul’s dance. I became the spider spinning in the dark. I felt the web breaking apart, and the spider beginning again. The tears sweetly rolled down my cheeks, and I softened more with each note and syllable. I danced with the memories of the many who have taught me to love.
“An unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates
So, my life must be way worth it, with the amount of examining I do! I don’t always think and contemplate with such vigor(or then again, maybe I do), but recently, with lots of space away from the day to day grind, I have an additional amount of time to reflect.
I am also at a point in my life to examine what it is that I am doing, because I feel as though I am again at a cross-roads of sorts. About 7 years ago, before I opened Seaside Yoga, I stood at the rim of the Grand Canyon, on a women’s trip out west. I remember peering down into the depth of the earth’s history and knew that I would be back there one day, down in the bottom.
I just returned from my trip to the bottom. Six days in a raft with 20 others on a journey of a lifetime. I slept under the stars, far away from my roles and responsibilities of daily life…far from being a teacher, a counselor, a problem solver, a business woman, a single mother (of sorts…no, I did not have a baby!), a daughter, a friend, a mentor….and so on and so on…. I felt the burden of responsibility lift, and what remained was pure bliss!
This 7 year cycle of my life took some amazing spins, turns and stops; none of which I could have ever expected, planned or contrived. None of which would I ever change or do over. Here I am again at another jumping off point. It is a little scary to say what I want next, or where I want to be, because I see the power of saying it outloud, and then examining the choices that might offer that desire. So, instead, I am just practicing sensitivity and patience, and remember that the examination is the life itself.
________________
PS…I have finally completed my Anusara Certification application. It has been on my desk for months, and finally I know that I am ready to take this final step. I am off to the studio to send it today!
Next month, I begin a year-long meditation/spritual study with Dr. Paul Muller-Ortega. At the end of our first conference call (even the spiritualists have gone high tech), he asked us to write him and e-mail about our “journey so far”. It was an interesting expose, trying to decide what to tell my new teacher about me and my spiritual path. At the end of the e-mail, I read and reread my words, edited myself many more times over, and finally hit the send button.
So, this entry is my attempt to balance out the e-mail that was sent this morning, that had an underlying foundation of challenge and struggle. I often times wonder about the seemless ease of those who choose not to look to deeply at life. Is it my seeking soul that makes each day seem so deep and complicated?
In addition to deep and complicated, I also see life as an inspiration and a cosmically comedic journey of sorts. Just when I seem to get all of the pieces to effortlessly fit, grace pours out another handful of pieces, and the picture before me changes again.
So, here is the rest of my journey so far…let’s call it my “bucket list”. Essentially, this is my list of mind-blowing inspiration that has also helped to shape my life, spirit and essence. It is in no particular order (and yes, I have checked them all off so far, and will continue to add to the list as needed!)
1. Jump off of a waterfall
2. Go back to school as an adult
3. Fall in love
4. Complete a triathlon
5. Move to the ocean (without knowing a soul in the little beach side town)
6. Open a business
7. Let my heart break
8. Love again
9. Pose nude for an artist’s group
10. Hike to 12,000 feet with a 50 lb. pack on my back
11. Sleep under the stars at the bottom of the Grand Canyon
12. Perform on stage in front of hundreds at Thalian Hall (stay tuned, I’ll get the video on the blog soon enough!)
13. Take a hotair balloon ride
14. Do a sweat lodge
15. Compassionately escort an animal out of the world
16. Surf at sunset in Costa Rica
17. Get a tattoo (OM Namah Shivaya)
18. Go inward
19. Live outward
20. Choose to live without regret.
check, check, check!!!
